When times get hard, the moment we truly fail is the moment we concede to life.
Original writings by The Realist, inspired by encounters in professional work in life coaching, physical therapy and PhD research.
Tag: Happiness
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist.”
~ Oscar Wilde
Some say emotions make us human, without emotions, we are only living processors. Emotions are inevitable, involuntary, powerful and possessive. If left unobserved, they can take over our mind and body. Yet, to put a structure around emotions is only elusive. When asked “what is the best way to understand and handle emotions?”, I think people have to inquire into the art and science of emotions. The concepts I cover in this article will only be brief, and each will be unpacked in future posts.
“Find the silver lining in experiencing each emotion.”
This is one of my favourite poems that artfully captures the existence of emotions. From this poem, I will draw out its relevant scientific discourse.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi
1. Emotions are meant to be temporary. Emotions are adaptive temporary experiences that are generated by external/internal stimulus, to help us or to communicate with us. They are to be picked up to be processed, and let go and be given the time to be released.
2. To know emotions, we need mindfulness. The poem is written under the spotlight of emotional awareness. It is only with awareness, can we begin to understand our emotional presence, and how it is influencing our thoughts and behaviours.
3. Emotions bear purpose. Emotions have messages for us. Feeling angry tells us we are first hurt, then seek to protect. Depression tells us we are internal dejected, due to perceived lack of control despite trying. Anxiety tells us we are not prepared, obsessed with control and full certainty.
4. Emotions are contextually functional. Having understood purpose, when placed in context, we see their functions. Anger functions as defence, depression functions as prompts for us to rest cognitively and emotionally, then re-conceptualise and instil personal control, and anxiety functions as energy to react to unexpected changes.
5. Make space and accept them as they are. Emotions are meant to be felt. Make space and create a bubble of acceptance for them. Don’t judge them, we all know the experience of getting more angry for being angry, getting more anxious for being anxious. Understand these emotions at their core and leave it at that level. At the same time, don’t let them consume all of you, for they are only messengers. Commit to valued actions and behaviours, while making space for emotions and use these emotions if they are contextually functional. If not functional at the moment, open your grasp and let them go at their own time.
6. Positive reframe. Find the silver lining in experiencing each emotion. “He may be clearing you out for some new delight.” Most of the time, each message would have a positive meaning for us. We have to look for what is working for us in this experience, and what can we learn from this.
Original writings by The Realist, inspired by encounters in professional work in life coaching, physical therapy and PhD research.
“The meaningful life is about finding a deeper sense of fulfilment by using your strengths in the service of something larger than yourself and nourishing others,”
~ Professor Martin Seligman
At some point in our lives, we will come to ask ourselves “what does living the ‘good life’ means for me?” For me, this question comes at a young age – late adolescence, leading me to seek knowledge and wisdom from scientific and spiritual sources. For others, it can come at a life crisis, when latent dissatisfaction boils up to an unbearable level. For simplicity, many people would answer “to be happy”. Without deeper considerations, some people do take it literally – the pursuit of pleasure. The social construct of happiness gives people the expectation to constantly chase after happiness, and fear from negative feelings, and negatives are bad – a myth we should all probably bust after watching Inside Out. But still, why chase after the positives?
“I believe a good emotional system has similar patterns, having the traits of emotional adaptability and stability.”
Research. The pursuit of pleasure can actually be a negative experience. A study, published in American Psychology Journal Emotions, found associations between the high variability of positive feelings throughout a normal week and worse psychological health, including lower well-being and life satisfaction and greater depression and anxiety. Albeit having positive feelings are generally linked to positive psychological outcomes, when they start fluctuating drastically, it becomes a negative experience. This association can be interpreted in a few ways: (1) high positive emotional variability causes emotional turbulence, and (2) people who are poor emotional regulators tend to fluctuate more than good regulators. The constant pursuit of pleasure may be leading to this fluctuation. If constantly chasing after positive emotions do not guarantee us long-term “happiness”, then what does?
In my PhD research, I work with emotions to subtler levels. I was looking at one of my measures one day on happiness and was astounded. The sub-facets of happiness are feeling “happy”, “content”, “fulfilled” and “satisfied”. The previous research tested a huge normative population with pool of words associated with being happy, and these 4 words hung together to measure happiness. I was wondering what about other emotions like “elation”, “delight”, “joy”, “glee” – words that are of greater positive valence. The former 4 words suggest to me a rather neutral state of having enough and living a meaningful and purposeful life, without much infusion of the mainstream happiness. I start to think that the public associate the former more neutral states with long-term happiness, but subconsciously they want that jolt of positivity that has possibly no link to the idea of happiness captured in this research.
Like a good heart. The idea of having an undercurrent of life contentment, fulfilment and satisfaction, with little fluctuation in positive affect makes me think of a heart. A good heart is one that is adaptable and has a low heartrate variability, which means when stimulated, the heartrate does not deviate too much from baseline, and can return to baseline quickly. I believe a good emotional system has similar patterns, having the traits of emotional adaptability and stability.
How we got it all wrong? The general public seems to get the idea of happiness wrong. My experience is that people think being happy as having a big night out, throwing party balloons and laughing over drinks. It seems like a staple for weekends, and if without, they feel disappointed. I think people should start thinking what makes them happy in terms of their life satisfaction, contentment and fulfilment, and taking a more stable and centred approach to encounter life experiences.
Original writings by The Realist, inspired by encounters in professional work in life coaching, physical therapy and PhD research.