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Stress-Reduction Coaching

Begin each Morning with Gratitude, Positive Intentions and Peace

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On a typical weekday, the “morning rush” encounters us the moment we gain consciousness from sleep. The alarm rings, eyes open, rush to prepare for work, sip a breakfast and commute among others rushing. I watch this every morning, and I wonder if the minds of busy people also rushed along, without having the time to center and set a positive tone for the day.

I think the start of a day is a huge foundation on which the rest of the day builds on. As I reflect, I know that the days I began with stress and having to rush mindlessly, often ends up in me feeling exhausted and flustered by mid-day, not to even mention the drag by the end of day. Whereas, when I began the day with gratitude, positive intentions and peace, it sets a tone to see the world quite differently. I am more composed, focused and emotionally stable throughout the day. I enjoyed the day more, and throughout the week, the effects are amazing. Hence, I devised a morning ritual to set this tone, and here are some suggested ways you can try this ritual out. It just takes you at most 15 minutes to change how you experience your whole day.

1.  Be Grateful

Gratitude has such a profound impact on our lives. It can immediately shift us into a positive space, to know what is happening well for us. It is an automatic positive reframe, that no matter how much we are challenged, we can find something that is happening well for us, and be thankful for it. As we begin the day knowing that we do have enough in our lives, it could give us the strength to trudge ahead stronger. It is an awareness that not all is “doom and gloom”, which is important amidst difficult times, bring the light into the darkness.

Try this:

a. Think of 3 people/events/things that you are grateful for right now, after waking up.

b. Ask yourself “why am I grateful for this?”

c. Immerse yourself in the emotions that come with the gratitude associated with each of these experiences.

2.  Set Positive Intentions

Beginning a day with positive intentions is about setting directions and aims for the day. Compare this to going through a day of routine, with nothing we want to do different from yesterday or last week. Set these intentions in a way that is positive, making “towards” move, such as wanting to achieve milestones for a project, rather than “away” moves, such as avoiding reprimand from boss. Positive intentions do change our energy for the day. Also, as we tick off the “to do list” set positively, such progress checking gives us a sense of accomplishment throughout the day – a huge sustenance to motivate us.

Try this:

a. Think of the things you would like to achieve for today, list them down, take them with you and check them off along the way. Schedule the unfinished tasks for later dates.

b. Imagine the state you will be in as you accomplish each of these tasks. It could be the excitement, joy and fulfillment you get as you move through them. Take some time to really feel and embody these visualised states. Bring them with you.

3.  Peace

I love the mornings when I am the first to be up, making the breakfast in the quiet, and getting ready for gym. It gives me time to be still and aware of my mind, and busk in the peace. As I consume my breakfast, I begin my gratitude practice and set positive intentions for the day. With the time remaining, I meditate to settle into a deeper state of peace and focus. And this peace and focus will stay with me throughout the day, even without me willing for it. That is the final icing of my morning ritual.

Try this:

a. Slow down what you are experiencing. Notice what is around you externally, then bring your attention to your breath, let your breath be. Close your eyes. Count from 10 to 1 internally, and allow with each count you go deeper within yourself into a place that is peaceful and still. Go in internally, with each thought and feeling that enters your mind, watch them, and let them go. If they are important, write them down. And let them go. Go into your inner stillness, and be still. Count down again if you need to regain focus again. Just for 5 minutes, you will reach your depth.

Original writings by The Realist, inspired by encounters in professional work in life coaching, physical therapy and PhD research.

Stress-Reduction Coaching

Us, the Falling Angels

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How did it all get so heavy?

I used to stand up so tall

There’s only so much I can carry

Before I fall

~ Excerpt from “Heavy”, by Delta Goodrem

Stress is beyond a lack of coping resource,

it is also about how long we are immersed in this lack.

People talk about having a cup half full or empty,

when the matter is about holding on to the cup.

Sometimes the best closure is to let it go

and set ourselves free.

Original writings by The Realist, inspired by encounters in professional work in life coaching, physical therapy and PhD research.

 

Goals-Habits-Results Coaching

The Surefire Way to Get Motivated for your Goals

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Motivation for change is always a central theme in my work on a daily basis. We might wonder how on somedays motivation comes to us easy, while on other days, we just can’t get that energy to get things moving. On a more serious note, why do people continue to act dysfunctionally (e.g., alcoholism, abusive relationship) and refusing to change knowing full well that they are hurting themselves and even others?

Keynote:

  • To be motivated, the target has to be important, we need to be confident and willing.
  • Importance – how well your goal sits with your value system and priorities?
  • Confidence – how well you perceive your self-efficacy?
  • Willingness – the emotions, stories and beliefs you have around this goal?
  • Assess all these factors and rate them. They need to hit the benchmark of 7.

Like many psychological experiences, motivation is elusive, and that is why many people seek coaching to get to the bottom of their story. This is my professional advice.

Pertaining to shifting motivation, I practice a few forms of coaching/therapy models: Solution-Focus and Motivational Interviewing. To fully explain these models will be a drag; hence, I will summarise the keys techniques into three main factors.

If you can honestly assess these factors for yourself, you can almost fully understand your motivation structure, and know how to tweak this structure to work for you.

1. Importance (Priority factor)

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Importance is always a discussion of your values and priorities. Sustaining an act is not about time management, but priority and focus management. Your goal need to have importance for you when you place it on your value system, and against other priorities.

For instance, having the goal of being more patient when communicating is of value to your relationship quality. And it stands strong against other priorities, such as work, exercise and leisure. As the goal gains importance in this manner, it begins to take our attention and we begin to act.

Questions for yourself. “How does this goal aligns with who I am now and who I want to be in the future?”, “What does this goal means for me?”, “Where does my character stands in this goal?”

What if without? If your goal is low in importance but it is something you know is good for you, sit down and think about whether the value and function of that goal big enough for you. From my experience, probably that goal is not important for you, but important for others, or prescribed by others. Again sit down, and think of something that is internally valuable and important for you.

2. Confidence (Self-efficacy factor)

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Confidence is about knowing whether you can do it. It can be important for you, but if you lack the skills, knowledge and experience, it is difficult to even start. That can be a downer right from the start of your change process.

Another dimension of this factor is that it is the way that you perceive your self-efficacy that matters, not your actual self-efficacy.

You can well have the actual self-efficacy but choose not to use them due to a poor self-perception, that is still a lack of confidence. While others who does not have the actual self-efficacy may choose the grandiose self-perception approach, and can at least get some parts the goal attempted, which may not be of quality but still, kudos for being confident.

Questions for yourself: “Do I have the minimal skills, knowledge and experience to start on this project?”, “How do I perceive my actual skillset?”, “How is my confidence affect my emotions now?”

What if without? If you are faring low in confidence, there are concrete ways you can take to raise that score. Approach your confidence systematically to build it up. Confidence relates to certainty, once you gather sufficient (not full) certainty about yourself that you CAN do it, the ball starts rolling very quickly. Talk to people, upskill yourself, learn more knowledge in this area, and ensure your emotions are aligned with your confidence levels.

3. Willingness (Contextual factor)

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Willingness is the hardest question to answer. It is a contextual element that comprises of important and confidence, and even more; which means once your importance and willingness are raised, your willingness will go up. However, that may not be enough.

Willingness is anything a person experience in the environment. It can be internal, such as feeling (“my gut feeling says no”), beliefs and assumptions (” I know they will judge me”), and external, such as limits and boundaries (“my kids need me”), timing (“the time is just not right”).

I spend the most time of my work here with my clients. And this is also where the gold of motivational coaching lies. Many of these contextual elements can be challenged and adjusted, but require skillful probing in a way to change the client’s schema. This is also where huge revelations begin to show up, and emotional epiphany arises, beyond which the ball will be bouldering down the hill of change.

I will briefly talk about assessing and improving willingness, but I will also dedicate a separate post to talk about this topic. Ask yourself these questions honestly. When people start lying to themselves, or not knowing that they are lying to themselves due to chronic avoidance, deep stagnation begins to form.

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Questions for yourself: “What are my deepest fears around this goal?”, “What is the worst that can happen?”, “When my gut says no, what does my heart and head says?”, “If these feelings have a voice, what are they saying to me?”

What if without? If you are faring low in willingness, the only way is to be honest with yourself, because a conscious or subconscious part of you is blocking you. Find that unwilling part you, and have an honest conversation with yourself, or someone you can trust, or a professional who can draw that message out with you.

4. Last Step

I would like you to rate each of these factors on a scale from 0 (extremely low) to 10 (extremely high). For instance, “how willing am I to start acting on this goal in the near future?”, “how important is this goal for me?” “how confident am I to start working on this goal?”.

If you score at least 7 for each of these scales pertaining to your goal, it is highly likely you will not only act towards your goal, but also see through it. It may not guaranteed success, but at least you have taken the effort to try. If you score below 7 for any of these factors, use the tips to try to raise the scores if possible, if not, you might have to adjust your goals.

Original writings by The Realist, inspired by encounters in professional work in life coaching, physical therapy and PhD research.

Relationship Coaching

Position your Relationship. And how to make it better.

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“Relationships” is always a buzz word in coaching, more so the relationship with our other half. Many of us have a set of wants of how our ideal partner should be like. However, when examining our wants pertaining to the depth of a relationship, people begin to ask questions. Some of us may be facing these unfathomable questions “which of these criteria are more important than the rest?”, “what are the warning signs?” and “is it really about me or the other, or us when we come together?”. We talk about “being on the same page”, but what is on this page? This post will take on the traditional theory of love, added with an eclectic perspective, shedding light on the structure of love and how to improve our relationships.

Keynote:

  • Positive signs of a consummate relationship: Intimacy, Passion and Commitment
  • Intimacy – emotional closeness and connectedness, as a Secure Base and Safe Haven
  • Passion – beyond romance and sex into the energy and drive of the relationship
  • Commitment – a shared promise of a future and the vow to contribute consistently

Sternberg postulated that a “consummate” (ideal) love should consists of three components. I will expand each of these facets into factors with my thoughts that has a more encompassing meaning.

1. Intimacy is about emotional closeness and connectedness (emotional factor). As we displace our emotional attachment across age from parents, to friends, to an other half, the common thread is about displacing the target of this emotional space. From a broader view, an intimate relationship is also about other emotional derivatives such as emotional trust, respect and interdependency, which without will come with feelings of taken for granted, abuse and unfairness.

Like the Circle of Security with a child, an intimate relationship should have the Secure Base where each can explore and venture the world, and come back at the end of the day into a Safe Haven to recharge and gather strength.

2. Passion is not only about the romantic attraction and sexual drive (energetic factor). The idea that an ideal love relationship should be defined in terms of romance and sex is myopic and superficial. Albeit they are a driving component at the start of the relationship, it is not feasible to keep them at the same levels all the time. Do we then say the relationship has lost its passion?

In more general psychology terms, passion is about strong interests, energy and drives, associating with “thirst”, “hunger” and “empty if without”. Hence, to place passion in the context of love, it is about maintaining the strong interest being with the other, the energy in the mutual endeavours (e.g., dates, shared goals), driving the relationship with anticipated, exciting and desired experiences for both; rather than going into stagnation and holding at status quo.

3. Commitment (longevity factor). Commitment brings out the idea that both parties express mutual promise of a shared future. However, I will add that it is not just an expression of a long-term interest, it is also about the commitment of being able to work on the relationship at every step of the way. One can express long-term interest but not committed to contribute, that will make a huge difference to the longevity (long-term quality) of the relationship.

So where are you at? If you are in a relationship, use these criteria to evaluate where you are at. Knowing where you are at, use these factors to highlight the areas you would like to work with your partner. Have a meaningful conversation about how both of you would like to revitalise the relationship. If you are not in a relationship, use these criteria as feelers to evaluate whether these qualities will show up when both of you come together. Know that it is ideal for both of you to have some awareness and expression of these qualities at the initial period, in order to be “on the same page”.

Original writings by The Realist, inspired by encounters in professional work in life coaching, physical therapy and PhD research.

Remedial Therapies

Sciatica nerve pain: The shooting pain from hips down the leg

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Ever experience a shooting pain or numbing ache from the lower back down one of the legs after a long day standing or sitting at work? This nerve pain is a common symptom when the lower back or glutes muscles contract, impinging onto the sciatic nerve. Sometimes, it causes a limb, and even weakess behind the knees. If left untreated, it is likely basic actions like sitting and standing would be unbearable. The treatable neuromuscular version of this pain (a.k.a piriformis syndrome) is the point of this discussion. However, the vertebrae version due to spinal disc compression would require professional support.

Inflamed areas: Piriformis syndrome is often a result of inflammation in the lower back and glutes muscles, due to prolonged sitting, standing and lifting upon bending down.

Symptoms: Pain pattern usually starts with minor pain and soreness in the hip area, followed by stronger pain when the glutes muscles are compressed. Serious cases involves shooting pain down the back of the hamstring, and further aggravation involves pain down the centre of the calves or side of the legs.

Risk factors: Structural imbalance, such as flat foot and imbalanced shoulders or hips. Repetitive strains, due to activities or motions straining the lower back and glutes. Lack of sufficient recovery period after work or exercise.

Self-Treatment: Use tennis ball and foam roller to reduce swelling and inflammation of lower back, glutes, hamstring and calf. Work on these trigger points primarily to begin the therapeutic process. Rest for 24 hours between each treatment and reduce the relevant risk factors if possible.

Original writings by The Realist, inspired by encounters in professional work in life coaching, physical therapy and PhD research.

Cognitive-Emotional Coaching

Honour our Emotions

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Some say emotions make us human, without emotions, we are only living processors. Emotions are inevitable, involuntary, powerful and possessive. If left unobserved, they can take over our mind and body. Yet, to put a structure around emotions is only elusive. When asked “what is the best way to understand and handle emotions?”, I think people have to inquire into the art and science of emotions. The concepts I cover in this article will only be brief, and each will be unpacked in future posts.

“Find the silver lining in experiencing each emotion.”

This is one of my favourite poems that artfully captures the existence of emotions. From this poem, I will draw out its relevant scientific discourse.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi

1. Emotions are meant to be temporary. Emotions are adaptive temporary experiences that are generated by external/internal stimulus, to help us or to communicate with us. They are to be picked up to be processed, and let go and be given the time to be released.

2. To know emotions, we need mindfulness. The poem is written under the spotlight of emotional awareness. It is only with awareness, can we begin to understand our emotional presence, and how it is influencing our thoughts and behaviours.

3. Emotions bear purpose. Emotions have messages for us. Feeling angry tells us we are first hurt, then seek to protect. Depression tells us we are internal dejected, due to perceived lack of control despite trying. Anxiety tells us we are not prepared, obsessed with control and full certainty.

4. Emotions are contextually functional. Having understood purpose,  when placed in context, we see their functions. Anger functions as defence, depression functions as prompts for us to rest cognitively and emotionally, then re-conceptualise and instil personal control, and anxiety functions as energy to react to unexpected changes.

5. Make space and accept them as they are. Emotions are meant to be felt. Make space and create a bubble of acceptance for them. Don’t judge them, we all know the experience of getting more angry for being angry, getting more anxious for being anxious. Understand these emotions at their core and leave it at that level. At the same time, don’t let them consume all of you, for they are only messengers. Commit to valued actions and behaviours, while making space for emotions and use these emotions if they are contextually functional. If not functional at the moment, open your grasp and let them go at their own time.

6. Positive reframe. Find the silver lining in experiencing each emotion. “He may be clearing you out for some new delight.” Most of the time, each message would have a positive meaning for us. We have to look for what is working for us in this experience, and what can we learn from this.

Original writings by The Realist, inspired by encounters in professional work in life coaching, physical therapy and PhD research.